Lee, you seem torn between "I'm a recreational runner" (your words) and "I'm a goal driven sob with a propensity to compete with myself" (my words). Now perhaps those two lines of thinking aren't as at odds as they appear, and perhaps my characterization is way off, but it makes me wonder whether your goals are at odds. Please take this the right way, as my intention isn't to be rude in any way.
Ha! You nailed my ambivalence I think, Hawkbilly, and I thank you for that. During the first year of consistent exercise, I was fighting nagging injuries (left foot, left elbow, left shoulder), just trying to get back into shape, and enjoying watching the weight come off, slowly but surely, as my body began reverting back to the way it used to look. I guess that was motivation enough, despite some set-backs and frustration along the way. Then this last spring I started tuning in here more regularly, interacting with other runners--many of them much more accomplished than me, and that got me thinking about running more seriously. At about the same time, my metatarsals started cooperating, so I could begin to push pace and distance a bit. (I also began to push the weights a bit at this time too, but there’s little real joy to strength-training for me). As I began to push the running, I began studying up on running for the first time—biomechanics, training protocols, history of, and so on. A few weeks ago, when I was finally able to run for an hour at 10mm pace, or perhaps it was a few weeks before that when I ran 5 miles on chipseal at 9mm pace, I began to get a glimpse of my former, fit and active self, and it felt great to feel my body moving well through space again. My thoughts became clearer. I really need to be fit in order to function in life. At the same time, the longer runs recalled a time when I had little and big adventures on an almost daily basis. The runs were nice stand-ins. I also appreciate how during the longer runs I get into a deep meditative zone that's just not possible on the shorter runs.
So I became hungry for more than just general fitness. I guess it’s true, over the last month or so, I’ve found myself wanting to become a runner, not just a barefooter who runs. The last time I ran consistently, 2000-2003, I ran exactly five miles three times a week in Chicago. I never thought about going further, about form, about pace, and so forth. In short, I didn’t think like a runner, I just ran as part of my weekly fitness routine. But now I find myself thinking, ‘hey, what would it be like to run out to that lake and back?’ Or ‘how far up and down the river can I go?’ Or ‘hey, what would it be like to run way over to the St. Croix.’ I spend time on Google Maps mapping out the best routes. I also think about form, different surfaces, and the more zen-like or artful elements of running. But perhaps most of all, it’s the ‘little adventure’ aspect of running I like best, and for that I need the longer, circuitous or out-and-back runs. Last week, on my failed 10-miler, I ran along a road where I set out on my first bicycle day-trip, in something like seventh grade, and got a whiff of that early restlessness and curiosity. I don't have any real urge to race, although I will probably attempt a marathon if I can get my mileage up to where I want it to be, but I do like the challenge of first, getting my runs up to the 90-minute range, and then, eventually, doing a 2-3 hour run every week, having a little adventure early Saturday or Sunday morning when everyone else is asleep. It would have to be fun, not arduous, so that's recreational, but I guess I would also be disappointed if I didn't eventually reach those goals too, so there's a performance aspect to it too, right? I think without both elements--fun runs with goals, or at least with destinations--it will be very hard to continue on with settled life. I would probably have to become a park ranger or something.
Anyway, sorry for the long post (as usual) but I’m on my forth day without running and I’m just about ready to burst. If you have any more insights that will help me understand myself, or just general commentary, don’t hesitate. It’s not that easy to offend me, unless you talk about my mother.