What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you at work?

[saypay45]

People always ask me to share stories about my work as a prosecutor. Mostly because criminals are dumb. I thought I would share one here, and see what others have for funny work stories as well.

This one I call "The Leg", it's from a blog post that I did today (can find the rest of the post at http://maplegrovebarefootguy.blogspot.com/2010/11/from-prosecutor-files.html). Yes, I'm a blog whore.

This is an actual case I handled circa 2005. It is also my favorite work story EVER.

So a man meets a hooker in a bar. This isn't the opener to a joke. It's a variation on the classic man meets hooker story. Okay, maybe not classic for you, but it is for me....if you consider my "clientele".

A man meets a hooker in a bar, and they decide to go back to his place to transact a little "business". When they get to the man's house, the hooker tells him that she wants to freshen up before their "business meeting" (I'm putting codewords for "sexual relations" in quotes because it's funnier to me that way). The man lays on the bed to get relaxed and takes off his prosthetic leg. Because why wouldn't you take off your prosthetic leg before sex? I dunno. I guess I've never considered the logistics of stump-leg sex before.

Anyway, the hooker gets done freshening up (which probably means, she pulled a George Michael and did a line of coke off of the toilet or something) and comes out to gaze upon her "client" in all of his glory. Now I think coming out of the bathroom to see that someone has lost a leg would be a little frightening. Apparently she found it to be a wealth generating opportunity. She began looking around the bedroom and noticed that Lieutenant Dan over there on the bed had put his wallet and all of his "man jewelry" on his nightstand. Sensing she could skip the "pay for play", she runs over to the nightstand, grabs the wallet and jewelry, and starts to leave.

Apparently before she leaves she thinks a little bit about logistics. Every great caper needs a great getaway. And every second counts. So to aid her escape, the hooker runs back into the bedroom, grabs the prosthetic leg, and runs out of the house. Way to cripple the cripple!

I think she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that damn cop that lived right next door...who happened to be getting ready for his night shift in his squad car at that particular moment. And since skantly clad women don't run down the street with prosthetic legs just every day in Minnesota (maybe California...anyone?), he decided to investigate.

You have to thank our boys in blue for that one. Had he not been there, I think dude would have been too embarrassed to make the "hooker stole my leg" call to 911.

And so began the case that I call "Theft of Leg". That was my first, and hopefully not last, trip into the skeazy underworld of leg theft.

 

[The Ramzev]

 Sounds like the cop got a

Sounds like the cop got a leg up on her.

 

[saypay45]

:sexy: I think this is the

:sexy:

I think this is the Smiley for hooker

 

[Abide]

Workplace pranks are

Workplace pranks are awesome.

We put a whopper behind the filing cabinet in someones cube, that was pretty disgusting. It lasted about a week.

I phone has a farting app you can always leave in someones cube.

They put a hotel key card in my office once with a note saying

"I've been watching you, come meet me at room 127 XOXO"

I didn't fall for it, but it did kind of freak me out.

 

[saypay45]

I love the Whopper prank.  We

I love the Whopper prank. We used to do that with White Castle boxes in people's dorm rooms when they went home for the weekend. Nothing like coming home to a room that smells like a week-old slider.

 

[Barefoot TJ]

Again, back in the late 80s,

Again, back in the late 80s, early 90s, I was needing to get an 8" diskette converted to a 5-1/4" diskette (anyone remember those?) for a work project. I was at my desk on the phone with the "conversion company" (Yes folks, we used to have to go to third-parties way back when to convert media. I know. Lame. Anywho...), and I was talking to this man about getting my disk converted. Two of my co-workers were at their desks behind mine listening to the whole thing. He asks, "And what size are we talking about?" I replied, "I have an 8" d!ck." My two co-workers literally, no exagerating, fell to the floor and were laughing so loud, so hard, I couldn't keep a straight face...or voice. I was so red with embarrassment, I tried to maintain professionalism without cracking up myself, but instead my words came out like I was crying like a baby; my voice was quivering and shaking so bad. I couldn't hang up with that man fast enough. Needless to say, after that, I refused to go to that business in person or even call them on the phone ever again.

 

[zapmamak]

Um... Can't say I've seen any

Um... Can't say I've seen any hookers running away with prosthetic legs around here.

 

[Barefoot Mary]

Seems like here in the food

Seems like here in the food industry we have a quota of at least one crazy lady per cafe.

Our crazy lady was first seen parking her car in the fire lane right in front of our front door. My manager told her she had to move her car and her first reaction was: "But......it's a BMW!"

Ok...?

Also, she brings us plants and puts them in front of our fire place. We told her you can't bring in plants! We don't know where your plants have been! And they're always dead! She brings plants to our cafe and just leaves them in the dining room! If you're going to bring them, leave them outside!

The other day my head manager saw her bringing in dead plants and he gave her the stink eye. She looked at him, said, "Outside?" He nodded. She hasn't brought plants in since. Once she lost her car keys and had us go through every trash can in the cafe looking for them. They were in her pocket. And another time she brought us outside to look at the trash on the ground. We really should clean up more but we're too busy...uh...working.

Strange world...It's great fun working in food service. Something is always going on.

The other day our oven door FELL OFF. Ever hear a 1000 lb. oven door (I'm exagerating...but, it is like a vault door!) come off it's hinges? Wow. Yeah. It was wild.

 

[Barefoot TJ]

Thanks for that, Mary.  That

Thanks for that, Mary. That was funny.

 

[nature runner]

  I was running a machine one

I was running a machine one day and a black bird flew into my chest and started clawing me and flapping it's wings. I was like wtf? It flew into the building passed about 20 people and flew straight into me, I was like why me and not the other 20 people lol. Scared the crap out of me and everyone was on the floor dying of laughter lol.

 

[Barefoot TJ]

That would be scary.

That would be scary.

 

[BFwillie_g]

cracking up here, good

cracking up here, good stories!

I worked at a trucking company in NY for about ten years, in the mechanic shop. There was something every single day but 99% of the things that went on there, well, no way I'm going to write them here. They'd probably make Saypay's head snap back. The place was bizarre.

A milder example: Lunch break, I was at the table with a new guy, older gent, straight-laced, family type. My bud John came up to the break room and went into the adjoining bathroom. After I knew he was sitting on the can, I got up and turned the lights out on him, because that's just the kind of thing we did back then, we didn't question it, we just did it.

I sat back down and continued eating and talking to the new guy.

After about five minutes, John comes out of the john, stands in the doorway, turns his back to us, drops his pants to the floor and spreads his butt cheeks open wide and asks, "Did I get it all? Some a55hole turned the light out on me and I couldn't see anything".

I just said, "Yeah, looks pretty good from here, dude. Suit up, alright?"

That new guy threw his sandwich down on the table, muttered something or other and got up and left. He never came back to work but...

A few weeks later, we learned that he'd filed a lawsuit for sexual harrassment. In the three or four days he'd been there, he'd witnessed all kind of degenerate behavior and our shop manager actually had to go to court and lie through his teeth that his men were all straight-up union workers who never do anything like that! But, truth is, the manager was one of the worst offenders.

That place was weirder than the Army... and that's saying something.

We went though shop foremen like a dog goes through bones. I remember one who was extremely conservative and religious. He didn't even say "darn" when he first got there, but after about six months, he was cursing like a sailor and reading porno magazines in his office.

Another foreman was so uptight he'd smoke two packs of cigs in a shift. He had four or five ashtrays in the office and there's be a cigarette burning in each one. And he'd be on the phone patting his breast pocket looking for his pack of Winstons.

Want more? lol

 

[Barefoot TJ]

That's hysterical, Willie.  I

That's hysterical, Willie. I was cracking up.

 

[saypay45]

I love it all!  Willie,

I love it all! Willie, there's nothing you can say to make my head snap back anymore. I've been a prosecutor for 6 years. We especially see a lot of flashing cases. I'm working on a case right now where a guy flashed the ice cream man. SERIOUSLY? Who flashes the Blue Bunny guy?

 

[hmduey]

I was a police officer in a

I was a police officer in a previous life. All those cases that Saypay handles, I've been there when it was actually going on.

One night I was working partrol near FSU campus (need I say more?) and there was an "old" naked overweight black dude running down the sidewalk. So we got out of the car (I was actually in training still) and the guy is covered in SH!T. So my field training officer (FTO) says, "Who's sh!t is that all over you?" (as if it mattered). The guy says, "Mine, motherf*cker, it's MY sh!t!" My FTO looks at him, says, "The shelter's over there" (points to the shelter, which is about a block away), then he gets back in the car and looks at me like, "WTF are you waiting for? Let's GO!"

Loud parties were my favourite calls to go to; if the front door was open, I would just walk in and start dancing (that's called an open house party and the point is that the owner of the home has no control over who comes into the house). The great thing was the college kids really liked that because it meant I wasn't a stuffy a$$hole and they were always more compliant that way. Of course, watching the underage kids run like ants when I drove up was always fun too.

 

[Barefoot TJ]

I guess he didn't want to

I guess he didn't want to touch that. Who can blame him?

 

[saypay45]

Yeah, duey gets to have all

Yeah, duey gets to have all the fun while the incident is happening. My fun comes when bozo gets into court. This is an actual exchange that occurred a few weeks ago between a defendant and a judge. Defendant was in custody after skipping court.



Judge: Now, I'd like to ask you why you missed your court appearance on X date. And I'll warn you, you better have a good excuse. If you don't have a good excuse, it's best not to say anything at all.

Defendant: I do have a good excuse. It's a very good excuse actually. [I won't bore you with the actual excuse...]

Judge: Aaaaaaaaand, like I said, if you don't have a good excuse, it's best not to say anything at all.