Visit to the doctor ... (this is a joke thread, don't be afraid to click it)

[BFwillie_g]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine when a retired person should go into a care home?"

"Well," he said, "There's a simple test. We fill a bath with warm water, then we give the person a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket,
then ask him or her to empty the bathwater."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is much bigger than the spoon or the teacup, so it would do the job quicker."

"No" he said. "A normal person would just pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"





Got another one?

 

[Barefoot Dama]

Who can say this sentence?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

 

[Barefoot TJ]

This old man was at a NFL football game sitting in his seat at the 50 yard line. Another man was walking by and noticed that the seat next to the old man was vacant, so he asked the old guy if he had company coming or would someone be taking that seat. The old man replied no and explained that the seat actually belonged to his wife, that they had season tickets for these seats for years and years, and that she had died. The man asked the old guy if there surely wasn't someone, a friend or family member, who could share the vacant seat, and the old man replies, "I would, but they're all at her funeral right now."

 

[NickW]

This old man was at a NFL football game sitting in his seat at the 50 yard line. Another man was walking by and noticed that the seat next to his was vacant, so he asked the old guy if he had company coming or would someone be taking that seat. The old man replied no and explained that the seat actually belonged to his wife, that they had season tickets for these seats for years and years, and that she had died. The man asked the old guy if there surely wasn't someone, a friend or family member, who could share the vacant seat, and the old man replies, "I would, but they're all at her funeral right now."

Hahahaha! That is so awesomely funny!

 

[BFwillie_g]

"I would, but they're all at her funeral right now."

oh man .... LOL

And it reminded me of a true story: After work, at a bar with some of the guys, one tells us, "My girlfriend's having a baby". We asked, when? And his anwer: "Right now" ...

There was a rush to see which one of us would knock him off the barstool first, and we all yelled at him, "The Fork you doing here then, a55ho1e? Go to the hospital!"

Also - wanna find out who loves you more, your dog or your wife? Lock them both in the garage for an hour and note which one is happy to see you when you let them out

 

[Pjruns2]

Baptist and Presbyterian ministers passed each other on bicycles going to their respective congregations on every Sunday. One week the the Presbyterian was riding and the Baptist was walking as they crossed paths.
The Presbyterian says, "hey, where is your bike?
The Baptist says, "darned if I didn't forget where I put it, someone must have stolen it!"
The Presbyterian Pastor says, "tell you what you do...preach on the ten commandments today. When you get to: Thou shalt not steal, notice who in your congregation gets squirmy. He is probably the one who has your bike".
Next week here comes the Baptist with his bike...
Presbyterian says, "Glad you got your bike, my plan must have worked".
Baptist says, "Yeah it worked, but not quite like you said. I was preaching the 10 commandments and got through Thou shalt not steal, but no one in the congregation seemed to look guilty. So I continued with my sermon and when I got to: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife, I remembered where I left my bike!"

 

[Hope'sMom]

oh man .... LOL

And it reminded me of a true story: After work, at a bar with some of the guys, one tells us, "My girlfriend's having a baby". We asked, when? And his anwer: "Right now" ...

There was a rush to see which one of us would knock him off the barstool first, and we all yelled at him, "The Fork you doing here then, a55ho1e? Go to the hospital!"

Similar situation, I once worked with a fellow whose wife was due any day. We were in the middle of an experiment when his phone rang. He talked for a minute, then hung up and went back to the experiment.
I asked, "Was that your wife?"
"Yeah, she's on the way to the hospital."
"Sergei, you should go!!"
"No, she'll take hours to have the baby. We have time to finish this experiment."

 

[Barefoot Dama]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."