Stuff grannies say

Discussion in 'The Barefoot Pub' started by Agnesd, Nov 16, 2012.

  1. Agnesd

    Agnesd
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    I saw this suggestion from Scedastic and thought it would be great!

    My grandparents are no longer with us, but my mother is 80 (and crazy) so I think this counts.

    One day, talking on the phone with both my parents (my dad is just listening)
    Mom: How does Marc like his golf idol now? (re:Tiger after his big sex scandal)
    Me: He's just human, who cares?
    Mom: Well, I think his wife should just forgive him.
    Me: Well mom, when your husband has slept with 12 other women, see if you can do that so easily.
    Mom: I just think he has to share.
    Me: Share what?
    Mom: His penis.
    Dad: On that note, I'm going to hang up now. <click>

    I was laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants.
     
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  2. Barefoot TJ

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    Where is the shaking head smiley?
     
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  3. Agnesd

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    I couldn't find it,but desperately needed one! I know I was shaking my head, pretty sure my dad was too.
     
  4. scedastic

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    HAH! This will make a great holiday thread too, as we all visit our families for thanksgiving.
     
  5. Barefooting Bob

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    That is hilarious, if anybody said the word 'penis' in front of my mother, she would have a heart attack :eek:
     
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  6. Agnesd

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    That's not the worst my mother has said. My mother had heard from a friend of mine about a drink called a quick f**k. So when we were on a cruise, my mother would walk up to every bartender and ask them, "Do you know how to make a quick f**k?" What would you think if a 70 year old lady walked up to you and said that? They all looked pretty shocked for a moment, but to their credit recovered quickly.
     
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  7. Barefoot TJ

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    That's better than saying, "Give me a ...!"
     
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  8. Barefooting Bob

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    A what TJ? Come on you are keeping us all in suspense. :oops:
     
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  9. RunningPirate

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    She doesn't get out of the house much, does she? :D
     

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  10. scedastic

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    Ok, Agnes, your mom officially takes the cake. In fact, you should call her just to provoke her for more things to share here.

    All I've got is that at my grandma's funeral several years ago, I was turning out of the drive with the big long funeral procession, and it's chicago, so some delivery truck tries to break the funeral line and cuts me right off, nearly hitting me head on, so I reflexively bust out with a few choice words (it's december so the windows are shut, though).

    My mom (who does her share of swearing) starts lecturing me on swearing during a funeral and watch my language yada yada until another car cuts us off. Then SHE proceeds to roll down the window, shake her angry fist out of it, and swear every obscenity known to man and sailors.
    She was in her early 70s at the time.
     
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  11. NickW

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    So my grandma in-law had a stroke a few years back and also had some heart problems just before the stroke and had a defribulator installed in her chest to help regulate her heart when it gets all out of whack. Well, after the stroke she has forgotten why she has this device and a few months ago she was telling me and my father in-law that it was this damn things fault she has any heart problem and the damn thing keeps shocking the crap out of her and is going to kill her as she pounded on it with her finger. She says she just wants to cut it out. Little does she understand, that little device that she blames and hates has saved her life so many friggen times it's unbelievable. It also sends a signal to (I think it's a base unit in her house) which then sends reports to the dr so they can monitor and make sure she is ok, they know almost instantly when she is having problems. She also blames the drs and says they are trying to kill her.
     
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  12. scedastic

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    My MIL has dementia and a heart issue, but thankfully no defibs (my mom has one but knows what it's for).
    The dementia part has been stressful for all. She does say the darndest things now, but it's hard to see the humor, especially in the sometimes paranoia-like utterances.
    Coping with any sort of memory or impairment of that sort is very difficult. Sympathies.
     
  13. NickW

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    We have to try to see the humor in the smallest things, otherwise it just makes me want to cry and think oh woes us. We love her and her crazy crap she says and does. Last night at family dinner we had tacos and she couldn't remember if she liked hardshell tacos or softshell (we all knew she likes hardshell best) even after showing her the shells, so we ended up making her one of each. Things like that kill my wife every Sunday during family day/night. We have to find the humor in the other things she says or does that are just a little crazy or out there, too hard otherwise.
     
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  14. RunningPirate

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    Back in the late 80's/early 90's my folks had an answering machine (yes! a real, live answering machine with the cassette tape and everything). Anyway, I recorded the outgoing message. Everytime my grandmother would call, her message was along the lines of "Chris, tell your mother to call me." She could never get the concept that it was just a recording of my voice...then again, this was the same person that did not want to use the Mute feature on the TV because she didn't want to wear out the button on the remote control...
     

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  15. Hope'sMom

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    My grandmother drove a cadillac which she loved and named Susie. After it hit about 10 years old and unknown thousands of miles, the transmission died (this was around 1996 or so). My folks told her she could get the transmission fixed or buy a new car. She bought a new Oldsmobile, and complained about it from day one. The most frequent complaint? "It doesn't have a place to play my 8-tracks!" She finally took it back and bought another Caddy (which also didn't have an 8-track player, but what can you do?)
     

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  16. Barefoot TJ

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    Okay, this isn't my mom, she's 77 and a granny too, but it sure looks like her from the back. Need I say more?

    IsThisTheWho.jpg
     
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  17. scedastic

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    HAH! My MIL did that for as long as we had a landline w/ an outgoing message. It was my voice on the outgoing message, so she always left a message by asking ME to tell her SON whatever. We never got it through her head....
     
  18. OdiarAmor

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    My grandmother told the man at the DMV that they messed up her age on her drivers license (they hadn't and made her older than she is... They apologized and changed it. I still have no idea how old she is!

    She told me not to laugh at someone's last night because I would end up with it. (She laughed at my grandfather's when she meet him)

    She tells me men are like buses. If you miss one, there's another coming just down the road.

    When my Hubby and I split, she told me she was praying that he ended up with an STD.

    Those are just a couple off the top of my head.
     

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  19. Hope'sMom

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    My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago. She was an absolute character -- after the Caddy, she drove a red Mustang convertible. My mom and aunt went through her house, but weren't able to find her good jewelry. Mom had a notebook from my grandmother with her bank accounts and stuff like that. On the last page of accounts, there was a note saying "Turn to back page." So mom did, and found the following: "Jewelry, my bathroom, kid's bedroom. Cash, phone book, desk. I'll be watching and laughing!"

    Mom went to my grandmother's old phone book in a drawer, and sure enough there was an envelope taped to the back cover containing $100. She called my aunt and they started going through the desk with a fine-tooth comb. My grandmother had several boxes of old church tithe envelopes, and they discovered that in random envelopes there would be a $20. They ended up with about $3000.

    Some of the jewelry was in pantyhose balled up at the bottom of plastic bags tacked to the inside door of the bathroom closet. Some of it was stashed in pockets of outfits folded up in the dresser in the spare bedroom. And the best jewelry was in the stereo, underneath a stack of records. They didn't find that set until about six months after my grandmother passed!

    And yes, we suspect my grandmother was laughing the whole time!
     

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  20. Barefoot TJ

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    Watching and laughing, hysterical! Loves it! And most likely, I believe, true!
     
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